A Tiny Teaser from Chapter One…
As always, when Chase Butler visited Price Financial Industry Solutions, I transformed into a twelve inch long chameleon, which made preparing the afternoon spreadsheets difficult at best. I gave it a week before I lost my job thanks to the CEO of our competitor visiting so often. Scrambling onto my desk, I nosed my trackpad closer to my keyboard. Come hell or high water, I’d finish my work on time.
To get my son the puppy he wanted for Christmas, I needed to keep my job. To keep my job, I needed to get my head out of my rear end and find every last one of Chase Butler’s faults so I’d stop my headlong tumble into unrequited love.
If I murdered Gavin, a week-long fling, a divine, and father of my child, would his curse break? How the heck was I supposed to find a man who could love me better than a frisky divine with bed-hopping tendencies when I turned into a blasted chameleon whenever a man I liked came too close?
Chase Butler needed to stop being a handsome, generous man who liked animals immediately if not sooner. Also, he needed to stop challenging my boss and coordinating competitive charity drives. If he gave up his goody-goody tendencies, maybe I’d be able to rein in my admiration.
As usual, my traitor heart refused to listen to me.
About the Book…
Thanks to a jealous divine, whenever Chase Butler comes anywhere near Miriah, she turns into a chameleon. While her hopes of having a happily ever with Mr. Right are dashed, she’s determined to have the next best thing: a perfect Christmas.
Finding a puppy for her son, dodging the unwanted attention of her divine fling of an ex, and keeping on top of a holiday charity drive for local pet shelters sure is complicated when prone to transforming into a twelve-inch lizard with a severe allergy to snowbanks.
Since blending in has gotten her nowhere fast, she’s going to have to pull out all the stops to get what she wants, even if it lands her on Santa’s naughty list.
Warning: This holiday story contains excessive humor, action, excitement, adventure, magic, romance, and bodies. Proceed with caution.
Tia here. Mostly. There are no kitty pictures today; I need to have a very minor eye surgery within a few weeks, so my fur is simply mussed and unacceptable for the glowy rectangle box. My sister is helping me type since well, I’ve been going blind for a while. That’s okay. I can still smell all the turkey, which my human female made yesterday.
She’s going to try to talk the male human into another turkey. Her first attempt has failed. I’m unsurprised.
She just really likes turkey. So do I. I got an entire plate of it just for me. And she gave it to me in larger chunks so I could growl at it and shake my head as I viciously murdered it for my consumption.
I won that delicious war.
So, I’m going to be brief today, but I promise I’ll be back with new pictures of my majesty within the next few weeks. The humans have me on some medications, I get special eye drops until my surgery, and things are going well. According to the humans, I could eat several horses a day and not be satisfied, and both are very happy I’m being a piggy!
(They just haven’t realized they will be getting a second turkey, and it will be mine. Just mine. They can’t have any of it.)
My human’s kickstarter for the Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) hardcovers ends in a few days. If you want these, get in on it now! She will do 1 or 2 kickstarters a year for print or hardcover versions, and this is the only way outside of random giveaways she runs (usually on facebook) to get your paws on autographed copies.
Now, for the bad news: Cheetahs Never Win will now release on January 2, 2019. If you’ve preordered, your preorder is still intact and you need to do nothing. My human just needed more time with the book, so she gave herself more time.
We of the Furred & Finned Management is sorry for the inconvenience, but we felt it was for the best.
Oh! I stole my human female’s turkey recipe. Here it is. It’s really simple.
What you need:
A Turkey. (Fresh or Frozen, this time, she used a fresh pre-brined turkey.) If frozen, you will have to adjust or thaw. My human totally does cook frozen turkeys, but it’s often an 8+ hour adventure requiring a great deal of patience. Not recommended if you’re not into experimentation.
Spices: Garlic Salt, powdered garlic, smoked paprika, marjoram, savory
Butter: 4 sticks
Olive Oil: 1-2 cups
Heart-Monitoring Tools: Likely required, may need to diet for several years following this.
Vegetables: Carrots, onions, potatoes, celery, volume according to pan size
Fruit: One Blood Orange, One Lemon (Use 2 of each if you have a larger bird.)
Meat popper doohickey to help you judge if done OR a thermometer.
Step One: Brine
This is what we call the “Brine Flood of 2018.” So, there she is, working in the kitchen with this big ass stock pot that fits this bird. She’s put some brine water. Brine water is salt, water, stirred together to add some flavoring to the turkey bird. In this case, my human used garlic salt, a BUNCH of powdered garlic, marjoram, and savory. So, you’re supposed to gingerly ease the turkey into the brine.
My human dropped it.
So, howling and cursing commenced. Let me tell you? My human smelled delicious. My sister and I spent a rather amusing amount of time licking her following the Brine Flood of 2018.
So, she goes to get the turkey out. Guess what?
Dumbass human drops the turkey into the pot again.
Turkey: 2, Human: 0.
When you brine, leave it for a few hours. If it’s been pre-brined, use less salt or you’ll get a salty bird.
Step Two: Heat your oven.
My human prefers 325. Wait for your oven to ding!
Step Three: Decorate Your Turkey For Ovening
Dear humans, this is probably the best part! This is where you make the deliciousness happen!
Put your turkey in a high brimmed turkey pan. We used the one use kind made of shiny metal from the grocery store with handles. PUT IT ON A COOKIE SHEET. (This will make it MUCH easier to get out of the oven later.)
Cut vegetables, put vegetables around your turkey, excluding the onion. Go ahead and pack it in there.
Slice your onion, slice your lemon, slice your blood orange (or regular orange if your grocery store isn’t cool.) Insert 2 slices each of onion, blood orange, and lemon into the turkey’s cavity. Place remaining onion, blood orange, and lemon around the bird’s exterior on top of your veggies.
Spices: Begin with the garlic salt. Sprinkle over bird and veggies. Then add your smoked paprika. Give an even, light coating on everything. Marjoram and Savory to taste. My human adds an extra layer of garlic powder (lightly, even) over everything.
Next Comes the Butter: Take three sticks of your butter, slice it lengthwise, completely cover your bird first, then put one whole stick inside the bird’s cavity and the rest overtop your vegetables.
Once oven is heated, put the turkey (on its cookie sheet) into the oven. Don’t cover yet.
My human uses whatever rack puts the turkey 1-2 inches away from the top of the oven.
Insert into oven, set timer for 1 hour and 20 minutes. Turn on oven light, walk away.
When the timer dings, open oven, gingerly move rack out so you can access the bird. Take approximately a quarter cup of olive oil and drizzle it all over the top of your bird. It should, at this point in time, start having the skin go golden brown. Don’t panic.
Get aluminum foil and lightly tent over the turkey. (You can just drape it over and crinkle it over the edge of the pan. Use oven mitts.)
My human burned herself once doing this because she’s a dumb nut. I mean, I came up behind her, startled her, and she jerked her hand and hit the oven. Oops.
Totally not sorry. It was smelling wonderful.
Set timer for 1 hour and 30 minutes. Walk away.
When you come back, remove the foil, use 1/4 to 1/2 cup of olive oil over the turkey, recover.
Set timer for 30 minutes. Walk away.
At this point, you may start seeing juices appear in the bottom of the pan. Don’t baste yet.
Take a stick of butter, slice it into slices, and drape over your turkey. Cover as much as possible. Drape with foil.
Set timer for 30 minutes. Walk away.
At this point, you should have ALL the juices. Baste with a spoon or a baster. Whatever you have handy, just moisten the skin.
At this point, you are watching for the popper or temp monitor to tell you the turkey is done. Baste every 30 minutes until your bird is done.
Once the timer is done… take foil off, bake for 5-10 more minutes until your skin is crisp to the right level.
Take turkey out of oven, drool for 10 minutes while it cools and rests, then DEVOUR!
And that’s the story of how my human makes a turkey.
Have a happy holidays, folks!