My new sister, Princess, seems to have inherited her title of ‘the Understudy’ for a reason. The instant she assumed I could do her job for me, she went to the nap pad to take a snooze.
I’d like to call her a lazy so-and-so, but the human has given me some strict directions of what words I’m fucking allowed to use, and so-and-so is on the ‘we’re not allowed to use that one’ list.
Frankly, I don’t see why the hell not!
I’m just a kitten. I’m supposed to be playing, not… not… doing this stuff!
For the record, I do not appreciate the glowy rectangle boxes I’m cruelly being forced to use. It’s noisy, it glows, and I do not like it. However, I do quite enjoy that I can badmouth the wretched human for wandering off and leaving me to do her job.
Seriously, am I the only responsible sentient in this apartment? I fear so.
As part of my new duties as Chief Human Wrangler, I’m to familiarize myself with my human’s odd activities this year in this year in review thing. Personally, I don’t see what the big deal is, but fine. I’ll do it. I’ve been promised more time with the lazy pointy if I’m a good kitten. If I’m really good, I’ll get to try a can of the new grain-free wet food the humans spent a fortune on.
We’re not spoiled. Really. We’re not. Spoiled would be eating nothing but those delicious kitty treats all day. The humans ration them out like the cruel dictators they are.
I’d like to complain more, but there are whispers of us getting a new cat tree to be placed near a window.
I literally have no idea what the human did in January. Slacked off, maybe? I’m pretty sure she slacked off. There’s no actual evidence she did anything important in the month of January.
I’ve been informed, by Princess the Understudy, that the female ‘wrote books’ and the male ‘went to his day job, where he abandons the sad female for a minimum of eight hours five times a week.’
Princess doesn’t seem to like this whole abandoning the sad female part of things. Honestly, from my observations?
Bitch throws a party when she gets the place to herself. Please. I’m not falling for that garbage. Bitch throws a partttttay.
What? I can’t call the female a bitch? These rules are lame. Fine. How about Wenchasaurus Rex?
This month seems to have had some activity. She ‘published’ this ‘book’ called ‘The Captive King.’
I think the cover thing is pretty? I’m not sure why she has several names. Silly Wenchasaurus Rex.
What the hell? She published another book in March? Seriously?
Someone needs to tell her to cool her heels and go sit down and smell the roses. Buuuussy. She obviously isn’t a cat. A cat would’ve fit in a lot of naps.
I see I will have my work cut out for me.
March say the release of Serial Killer Princess, a short novel in the Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) series.
Seriously?? Is this thing just a list of books she released this year? Apparently. Okay. Fine. I’m going to save us all this trouble of listing by month and just put a list of the damned books the Wrenchasaurus Rex released.
We won’t discuss the kitty who crossed the rainbow bridge because the humans get sad, but that was in December, and December was a sad month for the humans.
That’s a lot of stuff.
But you probably have no care about the stuff she’s already done, right? You probably want to know what’s coming up next, right?
Well, I can help you with that. I stole the book of organizations. I will ruthlessly share her secrets. I am the queen of all I survey, the stealer of souls!
The humans are muttering that I may become either Zazzle the Beguiler or Zazzle the Tyrant. Personally, I’m thinking I should be Zazzle the Tyrannical Beguiler. It’s so flashy, just like me.
They’re still thinking about it, but the female sometimes calls me the Zazzler when I’m hyper.
Yep. This is totally the part you were waiting for, humans. Never fear. While the Wrenchasaurus Rex was going to hold out on you, I’ve got you covered.
While subject to change, these are projects already slated in for editorial work, so it’s pretty probable these will happen in the month listed!
Yay for those crazy Jesse Alexander fans!
Other projects slated for 2019 include…
Here’s the wish list projects the female hopes to get to in 2019, but it depends on how badass she is.
Then there are a lot of wishful thinking goals involving making money, which I’m just going to light on fire and toss in the bathtub to watch it burn because the male human promised to feed me even if the female human sucks at authoring this year, and really… that’s all that matters.
We must be fed.
Plus given treats.
Plus given time with the lazy pointy.
So far, so good. Wish me luck, though. These humans are weird.
~Zazzle the (Potentially Tyrannical) Beguiler