We understand this kitty well. The sadness, the grief, the exasperation. All of these things we share as Supreme Feline Beings.
The female can’t come to the computer right now. In fact, she fled, leaving the keyboard completely unattended. Of course we needed to take over and get to work regaling you about the female’s Adventure with the Armchair Editors.
Buckle up, our not-furry friends. (And get ready to purr or bark your laughter, our furry companions!) You are in for one hell of a ride.
And so it begins.
It is a bright and sunny day, windy with hummingbirds. The main hummingbird of the day attempted to open the heavy glass door, as it really wanted the female to replace the nectar. (It was nearing empty. The little guy couldn’t see the nectar in the glass bulb anymore, PANIC!!!) The hummingbird was given what he wanted, but it took him a while to settle down and have a proper drink.
The female ended up talking to the hummingbird, telling him it would be all right, and that she’d serve him new nectar in a few minutes.
I haven’t had the heart to tell the female that the hummingbird can’t speak English.
But, I take an elaborate detour.
To set the stage, and to make certain people are not ready to pitchfork Amazon, Amazon and the female communicated, and the female specifically requested to have all correction requests on her books submitted to her so she could address them in turn. She was warned how many titles were, they made certain she would not be penalized through the process, and they gave her plenty of time to address everything. Amazon even gave her full control over how they rolled out the list of reported errors to her.
She is not upset with Amazon. It was done in a professional and courteous fashion in regards to concerns she had about continuing to advertise with them. Her concerns were addressed in a satisfactory fashion.
But, the good things, actual typo reports, come with a LOT of bad things. It was bad, sweet humans. It was so bad. The accuracy rate of some books was well below fifty percent. We are bringing out some of the gems for this adventure for you to enjoy.
Original copy: There’s sufficient evidence proving a better paid lower class has more money for general luxuries, so any losses incurred from paying higher wages is typically earned back in more people being able to purchase luxury items. And don’t get me started on poorly-operated businesses who blame paying their employees fairly for their failures.”
Reader Suggestion: Unfairly, not fairly.
The female: (heavy breathing, twitching) The employer is blaming the employee for being paid too much. As in, they are being paid a FAIR wage. If I put “unfairly” here, it makes ZERO sense. Fairly is the correct word here.
Also female: that should not be hyphenated. We shall fix that. WTF book is that? WHAT BOOK IS IT?
The Furred & Frond Management: Storm Called?
Female checks, it is not Storm Called.
Upon investigation, it was Cold Flame. The hyphen has been removed.
Dear reader/armchair editor,
Why you no catch hyphen but you flag fairly? If you’re going to tell the female how to write her books, at least do so with more grace and understanding of grammar!
Words which end in -ly are typically not hyphenated, including poorly. It is a descriptor term and does not require hyphenation to maintain understanding. The female just likes hyphens too much.
Current Copy: “Think you can handle a few hundred old, obnoxious goats?” Definitely. Determined to keep my mouth under control…
Suggested by Reader: hundred YEAR old
Dear humans, can we discuss the asthma attack this “correction” induced? To showcase just the sheer BEAUTY of this, here is the complete section of text for your enjoyment.
This is also from Cold Flame.
California’s heir laughed, and the poor fool had no idea I could do exactly as I claimed. “I appreciate your willingness to assault the congress on my behalf. If they annoy me too much, I’ll even think about trotting you in and having you put on a show. Think you can handle a few hundred old, obnoxious goats?”
There is a HUGE difference between a few hundred, as in the number, old, obnoxious goats… and a few hundred YEAR old… vampire goats?
We’re scared, humans. Hold us. We’re so scared.
Seriously, if you are the human who submitted these ‘errors’, we implore you to, next time you’re reading, stop, re-read what you just read, and take the time to fully think the context through.
The goats are metaphorical goats. They’re congressmen. They’re not literal goats. Congressmen do not live to be a few hundred years old. Neither do goats.
Thank you for your understanding.
Moving on to the next… gem.
In the rough. Gem in the so-very-rough.
Current Copy: Terry nodded, and he went through the standard hesitation of an RPS dealing with a principal who wanted to be called
Suggested by Reader: A
Dear human who submitted this,
We have some bad news for you. As written, an RPS agent, is correct. Let’s dig into this a little. Whenever you have a vowel SOUND leading off a word, an precedes it. As such, AN RPS agent is correct. A is incorrect. It’s an SUV. It’s an RPS agent.
AAARRRRRR-pee-ess agent. EEEEESSS-UUUUU-Veeeeeeee. (If you didn’t giggle at the pee, you should try again. Go on. Giggle. We dare you.)
We implore you, human who made these corrections… Please do not quit your day job to become an editor.
In other news, you reported only one instance of an RPS agent in the book. There were many instances of an RPS agent in the book. Did you want only one instance to be correct? We aren’t sure what’s going on here, but you know what? You made the female snort giggle.
We aren’t sure if she was snort giggling for good reasons, however. It could have been the last remnants of her sanity crumbling away to dust under the relentless torrent of armchair editorial.
Dear reader of this post, we warn you, what you are about to read may be disturbing to some audiences.
Current Copy: As I said, I’m tired of the little boys, and real men are capable of keeping their pants up.” “That’s good to know. I’ll endeavor to be a proper…
Suggested by Reader: men that are incapable of keeping their pants up
We have so much to say here, humans. The female had a second asthma attack at this point. We don’t think it was due to laughter, though. We aren’t sure. She was too busy using her inhaler to answer our questions regarding her questionable state.
On second thought, we can’t bring ourselves to explain this one to you. It is too painful. Needless to say, the female had written the statement correctly. Okay, we’ll explain it.
“I’m tired of little boys.” “Real men are capable of keeping their pants up.” The , and you see in the sentence, linking two related sentences together, establishes that she is seeking a real man who is capable of keeping his pants up.
Please read more carefully, human, especially if you are going to be doing your best to get the female in trouble with Amazon.
It’s very uncomfortable for everyone involved when the female has to write a letter to Amazon, for every single one of your “corrections”, explaining to the Amazon staff member that you have trouble with basic reading comprehension.
Yes, human, the female has to JUSTIFY every single rejection. So far, Amazon has only rejected one rejection, and she has sent a scathing letter back to Amazon regarding said rejection. It may take a few more rejections of their rejection before they remember the female has creative control over her book.
For your last taste of what it is like to deal with armchair editors, we present to you the case of the stealthy door replacement.
Current Copy: get in without breaking my flimsy door.” “And possibly a stealthy door and lock replacement to make your closet more secure.”
Suggested by Reader: substantial or sturdy
The female, possibly screaming: No, he literally means coming in and doing it on the sly. Why he is doing it on the sly is established with “to make your closet more secure.” NO.
Please assume the use of caps, accompanied with shrill screaming, for the following text: To write “And possibly a substantial door and lock replacement to make your closet more secure.” is not only redundant, it makes no fucking sense at all in context. Are you even READING the book?
Stealthy is correct. Stealthy. On the sly. Ninjas, replacin’ that door so nobody knows they did the deed!
They want to be like ninjas.
Not like cave me, beating checks and throwing rocks at the wall. Ninjas. THINK NINJAS.
Seriously, please stop.
The female lost half of a day of her life today wading through a bunch of bullshit “corrections” like this. She got to fix some actual corrections, but when approximately half of them are all nonsense recommendations and suggestions like this?
Don’t quit your day job, please. And if your day job is “editor”, you might want to consider a new career field. If you are going to be reporting an author to Amazon, your report rate best be 100%.
Tomorrow, the female will resume Silent Stalker. Hopefully without the armchair editor induced asthma attacks.