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The human has lost her mind. I’m not surprised. Are you?

Princess here. Hear me Rawr!

The humans are buzzing with activity, it’s entirely possible they’ll be fully insane before Thursday rolls around, and my new sister and I are more than ready for them to go to vacation and leave us in the care of saner humans.

We’ve been promised there will be toys to play with and we can visit each other as we want. That’s good enough. Also, we’ll be fed. We like being fed. Being fed is important.

In a moment of pure idiocy, the female opened her laptop and overwrote some important files on her main computer. The instant after she did it, she rage flipped the nearest object and shrieked. The male human was not impressed with her error.

She wasn’t impressed, either.

One of the documents was her meticulously registered budget with her invoices and spending all neatly organized.

I laughed.

She cried.

I laughed some more.

She then muttered something about fucking the budget with a pointy stick.

She may have looked the male in the eyes and said something about fucking the budget with a pointy stick. Apparently, she’d been saving / holding money back for future purchases, and… she can’t remember the amounts she’d been reserving.

In other news, the female has done massive amounts of packing. The male doesn’t know this yet, but her lap desk fits in her luggage, and she is taking it. (It’s only $25 to replace if it’s lost, and the store still carried the same model three weeks ago, so she’s willing to take the risk!)

She’s still debating which play project to bring along. Hypnos is coming along for the ride, but she figures she will also work on something fun, too.

The backpack of holding will only carry so many devices and journals. This is a tragedy.

But the backpack of holding is pink, so the female is happy. Her passport holder is also pink. Her phone case is pink.

Even some of her new clothes? Pink.

Her new walking shoes boot things are blue and cherry red, but she’s viewing the cherry red as a bloodied pink. Those shoes are sketchy. (But they’re not Sketchers. They’re Columbia, and they’re better than walking on clouds. Female really likes them so far. Bonus: her feet haven’t been chewed alive yet. And she can (badly) run in them. She’s just bad at running.)

She got a portable battery for her devices because she’s expected to use her phone for most pictures. She may have done a full display of dominance to get her way, much to the male’s dismay. She won. Male retreated, terror in his eyes over female’s reaction to the potential of running her phone battery dead while taking pictures.

The battery should charge her phone 7 times before it needs to be charged. Adapters to use UK outlets arrive today along with a few final articles of clothing.

General verdict: the humans are ready to go forth and adventure!

They’re very excited.

For those of you who enjoy contests, there is one going on with a Vampire Diaries prize pack you may enjoy. You’ll be required to sign up for newsletters for a chance to win. But they’re book-related newsletters, and that’s a glorious thing! (Tip: you can get extra entries by following peeps on places like Amazon or Bookbub. The female has three follower thingies in this one: Susan Copperfield, RJ Blain, and Bernadette Franklin on the Bubs of the Books. So, if you want some easy extra entries, look for those and click the buttons.

You’ll make the female happy!

In other news, here’s an update on all things writing related:

Storm Called releases on February 26, 2019. You can preorder on Amazon or at other major retailers. This is a prequel novel that takes place as the Royal States is becoming the Royal States, and it features Pat (of Texas) before he became a king. It’s fun, it’s silly, and if you like the Magical Romantic Comedy novels, you might like this one because it has a similar vibe in some cases. (Also, we recommend you eat before reading. You may become hungry.)

He does like to cook, after all.

So, if you like fun, lighter stories about two people falling in love, and having a few hiccups on the way… or if you like horses… this book is probably for you.

Shammed releases on March 14, 2019. You can preorder on Amazon or at other major retailers. Shammed is loosely St. Patrick’s Day themed, and it involves two people of questionable Irish descent pranking each other because they’re hopeless and don’t understand how flirting works.

This one doesn’t have any magic, but if you have ever wondered what a ten thousand dollar toilet can do, you’ll find out. Also, this book contains an obscene amount of glitter. So much glitter. So much glitter.

The lead characters of Claustrophobic play major roles in Shammed, so it wouldn’t hurt to read Claustrophobic first. That said, you’ll figure it out even if you haven’t read Claustrophobic already.

Yes, yes. We heard you. Mrs. Carter is in Shammed. Yes, she’s her same old glorious self. Yes, did you really think Mrs. Carter wouldn’t show up in a story about people pranking each other?

Hypnos releases on April 23, 2019. You can preorder on Amazon or at other major retailers. This is the human’s next main series, and it’s going to be a blast. You can read the opener for the book here. There is also a kickstarter for Burn, Baby, Burn: a Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) and Hypnos going on right now. This will be the only way you can get autographed copies of Burn, Baby, Burn in hardback or paperback until sometime next year. There will be one or two kickstarters a year to give people a chance to get books for their collection. Otherwise, you’ll have to join giveaways we run on the main page for a chance to get one.

Burn, Baby, Burn: a Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) will release on May 14, 2019. Preorder will be available soonish. (Read: the female is loading the preorder to all vendor sites on February 13, 2019. Yes. That is tomorrow.) The next Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) will release in 2020.

It’ll probably be Grave Humor, and it’ll probably be on May 16, 2020. The only way another one is releasing sooner is if some insane miracle happens with Burn, Baby, Burn, which we’re not expecting. (Translation: if Burn, Baby, Burn hits USA Today, the human will change her mind about the release schedule and bump some form of Mag Rom Com for a December 2019 release or earlier. No promises which book. Considering her best new release of a book has been 1,500 sales shy of listing, that’s probably not happening, but since people were asking what it would take to change the female’s mind, this is what she has decided.)

Yes, the female is a fair being and she will be doing paid advertisements to promote Burn, Baby, Burn. (That’s only fair if she’s setting the bar that high. She needs to pull her weight, too!)

(For the readers curious, to hit USA Today, you need approximately 5,000 sales on Amazon alone, and you need at least 250+ sales on one other wide vendor. (So, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Apple Books… I have no idea if Google Play reports or not.) The 250+ figure is roughly how many sales it takes to get one of these vendors to report to USA Today that the book is qualified to make the list.

Also, the human, to be fair, is releasing the book on May 14 instead of May 16. The book has a seven day window to hit USA Today, Tuesday preorders count on Monday as a sale, so that gives the book a chance to actually qualify. It would have fewer days to qualify otherwise. And she tries to be fair.

We’re just going to pretend it released on her birthday, okay?

Yes, Burn, Baby, Burn is Bailey and Quinn #2. Yes, it has a napalm scene. Yes, it has Quinn as a POV character. Yes, she’ll be a unicorn. Yes, there are puppies and kittens. Yes, you’ll get to see some of Quinn’s crazy family. Yes, Perky is back. Yes, you’ll get to meet Perky’s wife. Bailey calls her Perkette. (Her name is Tiffany.)

Yes, you will find out about Bailey’s heritage. No, nobody really understands the convoluted relationships required for Quinn to have been born.

Yes, there’s something about an actual wedding somewhere in this book somewhere. It’s probably not what you’re expecting. Well, unless you’re expecting shenanigans, a brawl, and possibly property damage, in which case it probably is what you’re expecting.

Yes, you’ll find out more about what happened to the concrete cake Bailey incinerated.

No, you won’t find out more about Mary the Barista Fairy.

If you ever wanted to know what a brassault is, you’ll want to read the book.

Expect another blog post tomorrow with information/links for Burn, Baby, Burn.

You may return to your previously scheduled programming. Happy Reading, Humans!

A New Preorder (Hypnos) and a giveaway! Meeeeeow~

We’re all mad here, humans!

Dear furless entities convinced life is best without a natural barrier against the cold and other inconveniences,

It has come to my attention that some of you like free things. My human has joined forces with some friends to bring you a swanky Alice in Wonderland themed prize pack.

It probably comes as no surprise to anyone why she might like Alice in Wonderland. So, if you’re a little mad, too, swing on over and see if it’s up your alley!

Moving onto the other things. My human has been working ridiculously hard. As you can tell from the above picture, I have made certain to interrupt her sleeping time for play time. My play time is more important than sleep, right? Wenchasaurus Rex does not need sleep. She needs to be properly taste-tested for future consumption.

When she hasn’t been hard at work on Shammed, a romp of a contemporary romantic comedy, she’s been writing Hypnos, the first of a twelve book series with a prequel novel. (It’s like she actually planned this series or something.)

Well, she has reached the point she’s eager to get a preorder live for your enjoyment. Unlike other series, this one is worked exclusively as a ‘play project.’ It’s a most delicious carrot, and she’s tricked herself into accomplishing a disgusting amount of work so she can work on the Seeking the Zodiacs series.

It’s amazing what a carrot can do to get a human to finish everything else in a timely fashion. Silly humans.

Anyway, Hypnos is available for preorder for $5.99 on Amazon, Barnes & Noble (Well, it will be soon. We’re waiting on the vendor, human! The page for the book is present on the site at time of posting, so check back later if it’s not ready yet!), Kobo, Apple Books, and Google Play.

This series will have a decent amount of humor, although it isn’t to the ridiculous levels of the Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) series.

You’ve probably noticed the price hike. While I don’t want to delay you from reading some unedited drivel from the book, this series has been a great deal more work and research and additional costs than other series, and the amount of work and effort involved is reflected in the price. If you find the price change disconcerting, the book will be available through the major library systems. I’ll keep you in the loop on when they can be requested through your library! (Then my human can feed me and you get to read the book for free!)

~About the Book~

Following the devastation of World War III, nuclear radiation has spawned magic, ranging from nuisance koppa oni plaguing the Golden Gate to masters of the elements. It falls to the FBI’s supernatural quads and their supervisors to protect those who can’t protect themselves.

But when a mysterious force storms through a busy shopping center and fells everyone in its wake, Olivia Abrams and her team of special ops must find who is behind the attack and why before the entirety of San Francisco succumbs to its powers.

Dear humans, please note I have borrowed this unedited first scene. There are spelling errors! Editorial snafus! (Okay, there’s been no editorial done on this at all. That’s coming later.) This is for pure enjoyment and to see if you’ll like the story. (We think you will.)

Please don’t tell us about any mistakes you find. We know they’re there. Not only does this give you a sneak peek at the book, it lets you see how it transforms from raw version to the finished title. (If you want to see the actual first draft, you can check out the human’s facebook readers’ group, the Fantasy Worlds of RJ Blain. She photographs pages of the handwritten drafts for amusement purposes there.)

Without further ado, meet Olivia Abrams!

~From Chapter One~

An upstart hunk of a police detective invaded my office, waved his badge in my face like I cared, and barked, “Where were you last night?”

As it took a lot of balls for a local cop to storm into an FBI resident agency and start asking questions without even an introduction, I refrained from encasing him in a bubble of water and drowning him. I was tempted to drench him so I could admire him for a while, however. Beneath his black suit, white shirt, and prissy black tie likely lurked a lean man.

If his face was any indicator, a lean, gorgeous man.

The good upstarts countered their donuts with gym time, and my invading cop seemed to have forgotten to pick up his share of the donuts on his way to the gym.

I smiled, leaned back in my chair, and enjoyed a few more moments of admiring the view. “Well, this is a memorable start to a Monday. Do I intimidate you, or do you always start questioning sessions so abruptly? I will say that was a nice entrance, Officer. You got my attention. I’m sure you would’ve unsettled most suspects.” I leaned forward and closed the folder closest to me to hide the case file I’d been reviewing. “You have the advantage.”

The cop closed my office door. “Paper pushers are hardly intimidating.”

“What did I do to deserve the abrupt treatment? If I missed a blind date again, I might be sorry for once in my life. I had no idea Oakland had such nice police officers. Detective?” I relaxed in my seat and kept a close watch on him through half-lidded eyes. “There must be an endemic of women committing crimes for a chance to be arrested by you. Alas, I missed our date because I was stuck here working. That’ll teach me to skip out.”

“I assure you there was no blind date.”

“Well, that’s a pity. A blind date would’ve been better than critical case reviews.” I rose from my seat, circled my desk, and held out my hand. “Lee Jing Chi. How can I help you, Officer?”

To unsettle, disturb, other otherwise gain the advantage over those who came to my office uninvited, I employed my mixed heritage. Americans like the spunky cop considered me inferior, but the men couldn’t help but stare, especially when I wore a pencil skirt and posed on my desk. The instant my legs came into view, most of them forgot about their petty prejudices.

He locked onto my bare calves, shook his head, and forced his attention to my face. Licking my lips counted as unfair play, but most who came storming into my office ultimately objectified me anyway. Tweaking the cop’s nose would amuse me until I sent him packing.

Unlike most, the cop shook my hand without trying to break my fingers. “Raymond Davis, Oakland Police, Detective.”

“I’d guessed you were with the Oakland police from your badge, Detective. Alas, I missed our date because I was here working. You can verify that with the security desk downstairs. I’ve been here since two.”

Detective Davis released my hand. “In the morning?”

I turned enough on my desk to give the files pestering me a venomous stare. While my quads were responsible for the monitoring and policing of the supernatural, we also got to deal with money laundering and other financial crimes that fell under the FBI’s jurisdiction. When the supernatural did the money laundering, the files were flagged as critical, resulting in an unwanted call at one in the afternoon on a Sunday.

I hoped I’d get to go home before Tuesday.

“In the afternoon. I’m hoping I can go home in the next hour or two—”

Someone knocked at my door, and I kissed my hope of leaving today goodbye. “Enter.”

Of all the quads I managed, Luke Doloman’s team drove me crazy. The quad leader visiting me mean trouble, and it wasn’t the fun type of trouble. “Detective, if you’ll excuse us for a moment?”

Luke’s eyes widened. “Hey, Ray. I haven’t seen you since the koppa-oni infestation on the Golden Gate. What are you doing here?”

“I’m questioning Miss Lee Jing Chi,” he replied.

I smirked as the cop likely had no idea if Lee or Chi was my family name. Technically, neither was, but I’d have fun revealing I was American born and raised, much to my mother’s dismay.

She’d insisted on giving me a proper Chinese name despite my tendencies to take after my American father.

“Is she finally being booked for overworking?”

If Detective Davis did the booking and the pat down, I’d be quite happy with the interruption to my day and a chance for some rest. All I’d have to do was drench a few cops to get into a specialized cell, then my rest and relaxation would be quiet and undisturbed. Alas, there was no rest for quad managers. “What do you need, Luke?”

“There’s a problem, boss.”

Detective Davis’s mouth dropped open. “She’s your boss?”

“You came here without knowing that?” Luke tossed his head back and laughed. “You poor bastard. She’s going to eat you for dinner.”

“Luke,” I warned. “What’s the problem?”

“Andriana’s quad hasn’t checked in, and they’re an hour late. They aren’t answering their phones.”

A different day, a different problem, and when working with a bunch of unwilling supernatural who’d rather have safe desk jobs, I had a list of reasons why the quad wasn’t answering their phones at least a mile long. Unfortunately, my job was to make sure all quads reported back in and find out what had happened to them when they didn’t turn up after a shift. “Take your quad, call for backup if needed, and I expect an update every twenty minutes.” I reached across my desck and snatched my phone. “Activate the trackers on your phones before you leave, and should you call in for backup, make certain they do the same.”

“Yes, ma’am. Good luck, Ray.” Luke bolted from my office and slammed the door behind him.

I considered my phone, judging the situation to figure out the best way to get rid of the detective so I could do my job. A call to the security desk would get the detective out of my hair for a while. “Well, so much for going hjome in an hour. Enough playing. I’ve a quad to locate. Tell me what you think I did, why you think I did it, and what sort of alibis information you need so you can head off and do your job. Any other day, I’d just love to play games with you, but a missing quad is too important for time to be wasted unnecessarily.”

“A koi statuette of importance to the Chinese, according to its owner, was stolen last night.”

I stared at him. “And this has what to do with me?”

“You have the required magic rating to pull off the robbery, and you have motive,” he announced.

I blinked at him, returning my phone to its cradle. “I do? What the hell am I going to do with a fish figurine? If I want a paperweight, I’ll order one online.”

“It’s Chinese.”

“And?”

“You’re—”

“Chinese-American. I’ve never been to China in my life, my Catonese is so bad it makes my mother cry, and I’m a special agent in the FBI. Why would I wreck my career over some dumb fish?”

“The dumb fish is worth over five million dollars.”

Okay. Five million dollars could sway a lot of people, but I wasn’t one of them. “Why would anyone buy a fish for that much? Is it made of diamond or something?” I snorted, slid off my desk, and returned to my seat. “I can send you a copy of my schedule and authorie security to send you copies of the hallway security footage proving I haven’t left the floor all night. Would that be sufficient proof for your needs, Detective Davis?”

“To begin with, yes.”

Hot damn. How had I been working in Oakland for so long without running into the spitfire detective? Now that he was on my radar, I’d enjoy creating excuses to tweak his nose and toy with him.

Nothing spiced up a boring work day than playing with the local police, especially when the detective was easy on the eyes and had enough spine to invade my office.

I’d have to make certain my father didn’t find out I was toying with one of the local cops, or he’d find some way to ruin my fun.

He had a bad habit of ruining my fun whenever I found one of the local cops fun. His status as the area’s police commissioner, formerly a police chief, had something to do with that.

I needed to remind my old man he wasn’t a uniformed officer anymore.

Knocking Detective Davis down a few pegs would buy me the time I needed to deal with my missing quad. I’d even apologize to him for being curt later. “Next time, perhaps base you investigations on somethinga little more solid than my race and magic rating. You’ll waste a lot less time that way.” I smiled at him. “And as for that blind date, sorry. I’ll try not to skip out next time. Give me a call if you think I’ll be late.”

Detective Davis’s cheek twitched. “You’re one of those FBI agents who live to toy with the local police, aren’t you?”

“It would be a shame to let such a nice opportunity go to waste, Detective. Can I call you Raymond? I guess it’s too early to start calling you Ray, especially after missing our date. Call me sometime.” I grabbed my phone from its cradle and dialed the security desk. “Detective Davis from the Oakland Police requires footage from the fifth floor common areas from last night. Make certain he fills out all the appropriate forms.”

The guard chuckled. “Understood, Miss Abrams.”

I hung up and held out my hand. “It’s been a pleasure, Detective Davis. Oh, just so you know. My name is Olivia Abrams to you American types.”

If my mother heard the scorn in my voice, she’d be proud of me for putting an American man back in his place and giving him a taste of the prejudices we faced daily. To his credit he took my hand and maintained his base courtesy.

He squeezed, a gentle enough challenge. “Next time, I recommend against dodging your dates, Miss Abrams. You might break a man’s heart.”

Despite myself, I laughed. “Do you detective types even have hearts?”

He lifted a finger to his lips. “That’s a secret.”

~Mhmmm. Wasn’t that yummy?~

Feline side note: Detective Hunk can come scratch my chin any day of the week. Purr!

Like what you read? Please preorder! Here are the links again for your convenience: Amazon, Barnes & Noble (Well, it will be soon. Check back later if it’s not ready yet!), Kobo, Apple Books, and Google Play.

Tia the Majestic has crossed the rainbow bridge.

It was time. She was hurting, and she deserved only the best we could give her. We weren’t expecting it to be tonight, but tonight was the right time.

Yesterday, she could barely stand.

Today, she fell over several times trying to walk to her food bowl.

She enjoyed her favorite turkey this evening, and we showered her with love and stayed with her to the very end.

She was a good cat, and we will miss her dearly.

For now, Princess the Understudy will take over for her sister. There’ll be another cat one day, and probably sooner than we would like. Princess is very social and will need a friend. That won’t happen today. It probably won’t happen tomorrow.

It’ll happen when we can think about our wonderful, personality-packed best friend we escorted to a better place tonight.

Well, probably sooner than that. Princess will tell us when she needs a new friend.

In the meantime… Goodbye, Tia.

We loved your dearly, and we always will.

We already miss you.

We’re sorry, Humans Who Use Yahoo.

Today, our human had to make a painful decision. Due to Yahoo automatically filing spam reports on behalf of users, which in terms penalizes the human’s mail server, she had to make the decision to remove all yahoo accounts from her newsletter mailing list.

To make up for this, our human will be posting the newsletter to her facebook, to our website, and to everywhere we’re active so you can still see the newsletter despite it not appearing in your email box.

Seriously. We’re sorry. We really are. We didn’t want to have to make this choice. We made it because we had to. Our human doesn’t want to lose the ability to send emails to all other humans, and despite spending hours trying to find a solution around yahoo automarking and filing complaints about spam, nothing has worked.

As such, we’re doing a complete ban of yahoo addresses from the mailing list.

If you use facebook, please follow her page. She will post a copy of all newsletters there, complete with pictures.

Once again, we’re really sorry, and at this time, we can’t make any exceptions due to yahoo’s current mailing practices.

If you have a gmail account, you can set up an auto forward. That way, if yahoo assigns a spam report, it’s pinging gmail’s servers and not our human’s. And it will. Often.

P.S.: Our human is really mad at Yahoo right now for forcing her to do this, but automated spam requests have been on the rise from Yahoo, people have been complaining about emails not coming through, and it’s been flagging in as spam. There are not these problems with other providers.

~Tia the Majestic on behalf of the Furred & Finned Management.