As you can tell from this photograph, I am not impressed. Why am I not impressed, you may ask? The female is being a so-and-so, and she needs to go to her corner and take some chill pills. Alas, she doesn’t have a prescription for a chill pill, so she’s having a… orange vanilla Coca-Cola instead.
I don’t think you’re supposed to be having that, female.
Long story somewhat short: the female’s blood pressure is high because of the medications that keep her reproductive organs from trying to kill her. So her heart is trying to kill her instead. It’s a no-win situation, so she’s going to be making a lot of adjustments moving forward.
The first to go will be coffee. She has a few treat coffees in the fridge, but once those are gone, she’ll have no more than once every two weeks. As a rare treat. Which her heart and cardiovascular system will absolutely hate her for. She’s also going to be making dietary changes. Sounds fun, right?
She’s hoping she can get away with tea, but she won’t know that until she gets off coffee and can check her blood pressure for a week or two without having any of the magic bean sauce.
Anyway, Cold Flame released yesterday. As expected, there are those who dislike the plot because it’s not the external conflict type where everyone is trying to ruin the main character’s day. She’s plenty skilled at ruining her own day and doesn’t need outside help to accomplish these goals.
If you are the kind of reader who needs an exterior force driving a book, this one is not for you, and we of the Furred & Frond Management recommend you skip this one. Or at least do us a favor and not leave even more bad reviews because it’s not your kind of book. But we totally get you’re going to leave the bad reviews.
(We were expecting it.)
(We’re still not going to read about how you don’t like the book because you wanted to read a different book. Go read the different book, because this one is not rewriting itself to please you. Thanks, humans!)
In short, some people will love it, others will hate it.
Onto brighter, happier things.
Those of you who got our newsletter yesterday have already read this material. if you want to join the newsletter, you can click this link to sign up. Please note that this newsletter service permanently bars people who unsubscribe from resubscribing, so once you decide to leave, you stay gone. Also, the female absolutely will not manually add people to this list. You must subscribe to join and then click the confirmation email you receive.
Basically, don’t join unless you want to be there. We want you to be happy.
There will be some new stuff in here, because I’m a cat who enjoys toying with humans. Just ask the female. She screamed so nicely last night when I found her toes to be a most excellent toy. I have taken the liberty of prettying up the newsletter content in addition to making extra commentary.
On Murder Mittens
The female’s teeth aren’t doing well, truth be told. They hurt her most days of the week, and her bill to repair them will be about $15,000 for this year. In April, she gets two teeth removed and some metal sticks stuffed into her face that will help with this problem. She’s also getting extensive repair work done. She’s even on prescription toothpaste.
The toothpaste, however much she hates it, is helping. A little. Except when it makes her hack out anything she ate. It’s like a hairball but worse. Poor female. I snuggle with her when the torture paste wins, which is usually once a week.
She is not a fan of her life right now.
To replenish the battered, bruised, and screaming savings account, the female will be releasing Murder Mittens on December 25, 2020. All profits will go to paying for her teeth. If it happens to do so majestically well it pays off all of her teeth bills, the remaining profits go to the male’s teeth. The male’s teeth need work, too. His don’t hurt like hers.
Teeth are expensive, and we of the Blain Household totally understand why people just Don’t Even Bother. Because seriously? $15,000 is a lot in cat treats. I made the female do the math.
A Charity Anthology Supporting Australia
To help with the bushfire recovery effort, the female has donated Fowl Play and Hearth, Home, and Havoc to Rising from the Ashes: a Charity Anthology for Australia. The collection costs $3.99, and all proceeds go to two charities in Australia. If you have the extra pocket change, we’d really appreciate you flinging some. The female contributed formatting the anthology in addition to two of the titles.
If you have read either Fowl Play or Hearth, Home, and Havoc, the authors of the anthology would appreciate if you took the time to leave a review of the titles on its release day next week. (The more the merrier, as a lot of reviews may help others want to contribute to the set.) You can preorder Rising from the Ashes at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple Books, and Kobo.
If you would like to place a review of the book, submitting yours on Feb 25, 2020 would be very helpful. If you’ve read any of the other stories in the collection, please take a moment to mention and review those, too.
Catnapped: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)
Coming May 2021.
From Catnapped: A Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count)
Someone had taken Mr. Flooferson the Magnificent, and when I got my hands on the culprit, they would know the true meaning of fear. As my cat feared the outdoors, strangers, and anything that reminded him of his former life as a lab animal, there was no way in hell he would’ve left the comforts of home without the use of force. I couldn’t even convince him to meet me at the door. He cried pitifully from the safety of the couch, some ten feet away, until I came into his domain and he could reassure himself I hadn’t left him like every other human in his life.
No, unlike every other human in his life, I showed him love without pain. In the shelter hosting the retired lab animals, he’d been the saddest of the lot, so terrified the shelter operators considered putting him out of his misery because no one wanted the scared ones, the ones who couldn’t charm unsuspecting humans.
Mr. Flooferson should have been on the couch waiting for me, but my door had been kicked in, the lock broken beyond repair, and someone had turned the place apart and left with my cat had his fleece-lined carrier.
Had the bastard left my cat’s carrier, I might have believed my baby had run out of fear.
I cracked my knuckles one by one, scowled, and considered my options. The police would need to come over and check everything over. After the police, I would begin using every contact I could. While I was only a secretary with the CDC, secretaries held power.
We talked to the big wigs, the wealthy, the powerful, and earned their respect so I could smooth paths for my bosses, who needed to work with people all around the world.
I had the devil himself on speed dial, and I wasn’t afraid of using his wife to get what I wanted. While I wouldn’t cut a deal with the devil, I’d find a way to make him do my bidding.
Nobody, and I meant nobody, would hurt my cat and get away with it.
I retrieved my cell from my purse and called the non-emergency line for the police, explaining that my home had been broken into and the thieves had stolen my cat and his carrier. My concern about my pet made the cop laugh, but he said he’d send someone over as soon as there was someone available.
All right. If the cops wanted to play games, I’d play.
I dialed the devil, and if Satan gave me a hard time, I’d go straight to his wife and show him his little layer of hell had a new owner until my cat was safely home.
“Good evening, Diana. It’s after hours, and you never work overtime unless the world is at a literal risk of ending. We aren’t scheduled for the End of Days at this moment. As I’m far too lazy to peek, what can I do for you?”
“You can help me find who stole my cat, flay the flesh from their bones, toss them into whatever the nastiest pit of your hells is, and give me a fiery whip so I can have some fun with the fuckers.”
I gave the devil as much time as he needed to identify he spoke to a crazy chick on a mission to murder some thieving assholes.
“Have you forgotten who I am, Diana?”
“I absolutely called you fully aware of who and what you are, and if you could put Darlene on the line if you’re not willing to help me find my cat, it would save me making a few other phone calls and knocking on your door in an hour. If I have to knock on your door in an hour, I’m going to redefine hellfire for you. And if someone says it’ll be a cold day in hell first, I’ll come there and break all of your windows.”
“That’s harsh for my electric bill.”
“As if you actually pay it. Assistance or put Darlene on the phone, Lucifer. Jack shit is up for negotiation today. Someone stole my cat.”
This will be going up for Preorder in May, and I’m totally being catty and tripping your innocent little triggers to make you chomp at the bit until we give it to you.
(Note: 2021 will have a lot of Mag Rom Coms in it. She’s working on a lot of them when she’s not slaving at the main projects. 2021 is probably just going to have a lot of books, period. The dental bills in the next two years are terrifying.)
One day, the female will actually get to cut back on how much she’s working. Not yet, though. Because teeth and life and more life and teeth.
We have already selected Christmas 2021’s novel. It will be a Mag Rom Com. You’re welcome. We’ll get the cover… soon.
Giveaways, Polls, and Other Doohickeys
There is a giveaway on facebook for a bunch of swag or books or things. Basically, if you vote for Dirty Deeds at AllAuthor’s Cover of the Month contest, you can swing over to this facebook post, tell us you voted, and be entered to win one of the prizes. The number of prizes is equal to the number of rounds the book has been in PLUS three more if the book places first, two more if the book places second, and an extra if the book places first.
If you swing by The Fantasy Worlds of RJ Blain on Facebook, you can vote on what February 2021’s release will be. You can vote only once, and the winner takes all. You can only pick one, as that’s the only fair way to do it.
Yes, a lot of these are run on facebook because it’s the only easy way the female has to do these. Other sites/methods are either a: expensive b: a major headache c: can’t easily verify/keep entries fair. We apologize if you don’t like facebook, but it’s really the simplest way for the female to do it, and she doesn’t have the energy to do it the other ways. It’s too much trouble. (So it’s either this way or not at all, and she enjoys engaging with her readers like this.)
Dirty Deeds/Doggone Mess
While I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before on my glorious platform of catting, I’m mentioning it again. Because you want this, humans. You want this so hard it hurts.
The female has issued a challenge regarding Dirty Deeds on facebook. We’re sharing this challenge with you. It goes a little like this. Doggone Mess is the Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) included in Dirty Deeds.
The version in Dirty Deeds will be slightly (okay, a lot) different from the solo version, which will come later.
How will it be different?
Everything but the last scene will be the same, unless I decide to add some bonus scenes to open up some plot lines, but there will definitely be some minor changes to the last scene so it can continue. (Think along the lines of Last but not Leashed except the solo release will have the extended version/muuucchhh more book to it.)
Now, you’ll still be getting 45,000 words worth of novel in Dirty Deeds.
And, since I’m a complete and total jackass… the better Dirty Deeds does, the longer Doggone Mess will be.
(I have ideas. I have so many ideas.)
So, the challenge is this: Should Dirty Deeds go right to the top and land on USA Today, the final novel will be a 150,000+ word monster of a romp.
Top 100? I’ll bring Satin Himself–or his lovely little wife–out to play. Who knows who else might show up in this one?? (I might do this anyway.)
Top 50? Bailey will make an appearance and create trouble.
And, to make it a little nicer on your wallets, no matter how well Dirty Deeds does, I will be doing a $2.99 preorder cycle for Doggone Mess. (And it will stay $2.99 for its release week.)
(That’s my way of saying thank you for having acquired the baby book in the set.)
Gauntlet is tossed.
How can you help? Preorder the book or order it on release day. Amazon US sales, Barnes & Noble sales, Apple Books US sales, and Kobo US sales all count towards USA Today ranking. (If you live overseas, check Barnes & Noble and see if you can order books from them. All sales registered at Barnes & Noble should count for ranking purposes. (And really, no matter where you live, we really, really appreciate when we sing for our supper and you toss a coin to your authors.))
Preorders for Doggone Mess will not be available until after Dirty Deeds is completed. Considering the length difference in the short novel and the completed project, we are expecting the extended version to be ready on the tail end of 2021 or early 2022. But don’t worry. The version in Dirty Deeds will be a completed story. The version found outside of Dirty Deeds will have alterations. You can view it as a fun scavenger hunt for the various differences in the books. You know, beyond possibly 105,000 additional words.
We’ll do our best to make you love it.
Right now, the anthology isn’t close to hitting the USA Today goals, and we could really use a lot of sales on Barnes & Noble to make sure one of the ‘wide’ (AKA non-Amazon) vendors reports us. We can always use more Amazon US Sales. Actually, we could just use more sales, period. Because that’s how these things work.
And since I’m here, for you print book lovers out there, there will be print editions of the book available closer to its release day. It’ll be beautiful with nice big font for easy reading.
Okay. It’s nap time. Buh bye. Have a good one, humans. Happy reading!