The next time a friend dared her to steal something, Kelsie would say no. Should the friend also be a succubus, not only would she say no, she would run for the nearest border faster than a bat fleeing the dark depths of hell.
Under normal circumstances, she didn’t even mind serving community service. It added spice to an otherwise boring day and gave her something productive to do.
Hoping to contain her prankster ways, the judge teams her up with a grouchy wolf of a cop with an attitude problem. According to her virus, Kelsie needs to get the good officer out of his pants. According to her common sense, the last thing she needs or wants is a goody-goody hampering her style and getting in her way.
When they’re assigned to help rescue kidnapped kittens, Kelsie knows one thing for certain: to create a Christmas miracle, she’ll do a lot more than bend the law—she’ll break it over her knee and unleash hell on Earth while she’s at it.
Whiskers on Kittens can be read as a standalone.
Whiskers on Kittens is book twenty-two of the Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) series.
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From Chapter One…
When I became bored, trouble happened. The current flavor of trouble stood a little over five feet with light brown hair and dark eyes, putting him a solid inch taller than me. He wore his uniform well and glared at me as though he’d enjoy escorting me to the next life if given a reason.
The glare I understood.
Cats and dogs did not get along, and my nose informed me I dealt with a single male wolf of the lycanthrope variety. I doubted he’d ever met a clouded leopard lycanthrope in his life, resulting in the divine essence of female feline tormenting him. That I happened to reek of divine single female feline might do him in.
What I didn’t understand was why Judge McMurphy, one of the nicer men I’d dealt with in the Chicago court system, had dragged some poor cop out for my sentencing. I especially didn’t understand why the judge had requested I come along with the poor cop for a private discussion in his office along with the attorneys. Community service was community service, and that I’d only been slapped with six months of community service astonished me.
In the judge’s shoes, I would have gone for two years.
The judge made himself comfortable behind his desk, invited us all to take a seat, and promised we wouldn’t have to wait long before he could get on with why we needed to have a private chat after everything had been said and done.
I pitied my attorney, who would need therapy after dealing with me. It wasn’t that I had gone out of my way to give the man a hard time. I just accepted responsibility for my actions, confessed I’d broken into the home of a wealthy businessman to steal a toy mouse on a double-dog dare, and refused to rat out my succubus friend for being the one to dare me to do it.
When I’d broken into the home, I hadn’t known the mouse was the size of a small dog and wore a diamond-studded collar.
The attorney especially hadn’t appreciated when I’d made use of my legal rights to summon an angel to confirm I hadn’t known about the collar, had done the heist as a prank, and would not be snitching on my friend in this life northe next, not even if the Devil came calling to drag me into some dungeon to put me through hell. I’d amused the angel, who had assured me I wouldn’t be doing any time in the dungeons unless I wanted to.
The innuendo had caught me so off guard I’d burst into laughter at the sheer thought of leaving the pool of divine single female felines.
The wise men ran the instant they realized I was on the prowl, the smart ones ran soon after, and the dumb ones pissed me off and often received a face full of claws if they didn’t get the hint I didn’t want a dumb man in my life.
Wise and smart men were few and far between. To find a single one?
I bet I could find and steal numerous priceless treasures before one of those crossed my path and stuck around.
With a pop and a flash of light, an angel appeared in the judge’s office. “My apologies, Your Honor. I needed to gather some important information.” The feminine tone to the angel’s voice indicated she preferred to be portrayed as a female, and the red, gold, and blue barring on her feathers proved I’d somehow created a two-angel circus.
The other angel’s wings were barred with blue.
With a snap of her fingers, she manifested a briefcase, which she offered to Judge McMurphy. “We have taken the liberty of discussing the situation with the owners of the toy and collar. You will not encounter any issues with the sentencing, as upon learning the details, they may have commented that cruel and unusual punishment is technically illegal.”
The judge chuckled, set the briefcase down in front of him, and opened it. A puff of yellow smoke reeking of sulfur spread through the room. “I see Lucifer is involved. I should have known.”
“He does prefer when mortals understand when it is futile to protest overly much. While the girl will not be protesting, as she is of the opinion she is deserving of two years of service, the boy will surely protest early and often. This will spare us from a great deal of whining.”
“Wolves are masters at whining, though. That’s part of their gig,” I informed the angel. “They smell awful when wet, they whine, and they sniff around begging for food. Some of them make themselves useful when they aren’t doing that.” I eyed the cop, who had picked the chair farthest from me. “He’s probably a hybrid if he’s working in law enforcement here. You know how Chicago gets. So, this one is probably a useful wolf, and there’s something to be said for useful wolves.”
“While he is a hybrid, he was brought in to quietly help with the trafficking woes plaguing the city. His status as a hybrid makes him sufficiently durable for the job.” The angel sat on the judge’s desk. If the angel had a head, I suspected she would be grinning. “Lycanthrope males are useful in the cases involving children. They’re more useful in cases where we want them to make children, but that is a discussion for another time. As the police force, until recently, had been complicit in the trafficking situation, using the revamped force to deal with this issue is ideal. It undoes some of the damage they have wrought in past years. There are those we do not want learning of our activities, and so we are hiding it in plain sight. I have already done the paperwork with the FBI and other bureaus in the United States to grant you access to the entirety of the country. We have only looked into the future far enough to understand you two are our best choice for this work.”
“Miss Winfield is hardly a child,” the cop stated, and according to his tone, I disgusted him.
With a rap sheet the length of mine, which boiled down to me being a nuisance when permitted to become bored, it came as no surprise he disliked me. However, as having a brand new but sexy enemy introduced a great deal of spice to my life, I took a few moments to look him over.
According to my virus, he’d be at his most handsome naked and in my bed although she would settle with the removal of his pants for a chance to admire the goods. As I’d come out of my mother’s womb with more than a few cat-like tendencies, and that had been before my infection had matured, I understood my virus’s approach.
If now wasn’t an option, later would be fine, but only if she could toy with him first.
Great. My virus had lost her mind. The thought of six months of community service must have done her in. I liked community service. Sure, I wasn’t paid for the work, but it gave me something useful to do when I wasn’t legitimately earning money elsewhere.
Community service did an excellent job of curtailing my rogue ways as I lacked the time or the energy to create additional trouble after working and doing my time. When unable to become bored, I behaved.
Boredom led me into trouble, always—and I created the trouble to put an end to the boredom.
To keep me out of trouble, the judge had pulled me aside at my first appearance in court and hired me to cool my heels in prison as a plant in the local slammer, grading and rating the prison system and checking for abuses of prisoners. As I liked the judge and had nothing on my schedule, I’d agreed.
I’d never gotten to do actual time in prison before. I always kept my mischief to misdemeanors that wouldn’t influence my ability to work.
I’d driven half the prison staff insane by the time I’d been released a few hours before the trial and sentencing, testing the limits of their patience and rules to evaluate how they treated prisoners. I’d also gotten into three different fights with idiotic male lycanthropes who thought it was a good idea to visit the women’s section of the prison.
One had gone back to his cell with his tail between his legs. The other two had gone to intensive care.
I’d emerged with bruised knuckles, a broken toe, and a healthy helping of praise from the prison security for defending myself and the other women in my section of the prison.
Judge McMurphy really should have given me at least two years of community service.
The angel chuckled. “No, she is not a child, but she loves children and would shave her fur off without hesitation or regret to save them. As this was her nature before her lycanthropy virus matured, it is amplified in her. That is why she is here. Her punishment will be an act of service, rescuing a litter of kittens stolen from a lycanthrope couple. They have the cougar strain, and as they had some assistance from demons, the couple had a girl and four boys. These kittens are six years old and were taken from their home with the intent of trafficking them. This is where you come in, Officer Dannell. Your assignment is to, working with Kelsie, recover the kittens. The parents have requested a miracle for Christmas, and He has chosen you two as the vessels for His working. As He is a supporter of free will, however obnoxious free will can be, you may opt out of doing the work, but He is confident of your success in this matter.”
As it was mid-November, we would have a little over a month to track down the kidnappers and safely rescue the kittens. “I thought community service was supposed to be a punishment, ma’am.”
If some angel wanted me to steal kittens back from some thieving assholes, I wasn’t going to say no. That I would have to work with the disgruntled cop sent my virus for a loop. With everything right in her world, I foresaw a fulfilling few weeks that concluded with bloodshed and holiday cheer.
If work came calling, I would pass the assignments off to a few skilled people who could do almost as good of a job as me to earn some favor in my field. When possible, I’d find out about the job first, and if it helped put me in a position to bust the kidnappers, I’d mix work and pleasure in ways I hadn’t before.
If I found out any of the corporations knocking at my door were involved, I would burn their entire operations to the ground.
On second thought, it seemed only fair to warn my new partner of the reality he would soon endure. “No offense intended, Officer Dannell, but you’re going to have to arrest me for numerous acts of violence when we find these kidnappers and the kittens are safely recovered. I’m also accepting responsibility and will present myself for arrest for every damned crime I pull along the way, because if I need a car to get somewhere, and one isn’t provided, I will steal one to see these kittens home for the holidays.” On second thought, I’d just buy a car if I needed one as grand theft auto would create problems for my work life. To make it clear what I thought of him, I stared into his eyes and said, “Keep up, Mr. Goody-Goody, or be left behind. No kittens are getting trafficked on my watch.”
The cop raised a brow although he said nothing.
The angel’s laughter reminded me of winter bells tinkling in a light breeze. “And this is why He wishes for her to participate in their safe recovery. Officer, she has enough motivation for both of you, and while you will not approve of her methodology, you will be able to mostly keep her on the right side of the law. Mostly. I’m sure she’ll be back here for more community service hours as the law is merely something in the way of her doing what she wishes. Well, for this matter. I am sure she can navigate the legal waters with grace and skill, knowing which lines to toe during this mission.”
Judge McMurphy rummaged through the briefcase, nodded, and pulled out a stack of papers, handing them to me. “Here is the information on the kittens. You’ll need that. It includes the transcription of the interviews with their parents. Officer, welcome to the big leagues. You’ve always been by the book, which is an excellent trait in law enforcement, but it’s time you learn about the other side of how this world works. Our attorneys are both aware of how this works, and they were specifically chosen to make certain Miss Winfield’s latest caper resulted only in community service. Good work to both of you, by the way. Miss Winfield helped, as her honesty and sincerity allowed me to go for the minimum community service time the crime permits. Had the value of the mouse been less than several million dollars, I wouldn’t have even given her service time, although it is useful in this specific case. Kelsie, I was asked to speak with you regarding your wicked ways.”
I raised my brows at the judge’s commentary. “I mean, I didn’t know the mouse had been worth that much when I’d gone in. And I really believed it was rhinestones for a toy. But knowing what I know about who dared me to do it, I fully realize I deserve the six months for being stupid. And really, that mouse should be confiscated. That quality of nip and dust cannot be legal.”
Judge McMurphy snickered. “It was a newer strain of catnip, and it’s particularly potent on lycanthropes and shapeshifters. The pixie dust is a low grade, and it was legal for their personal use. Officer Dannell, if you require your new partner to behave, simply give her a toy with the catnip and dust. I will make certain you have a supply.”
“Partner?” the cop growled.
The angel joined the judge in snickering, the only warning I needed that my day was about to take a sharp left turn.
“I don’t know about you, Mr. Goody-Goody, but that is the sound of you finding out something awful the next time either speak. You have made a mistake. If you hadn’t asked, you wouldn’t be getting an answer right now. I promise you, you are not going to like the answer to that question.” To help him understand his situation better, I dug out my phone, returned to me after having done my time in prison, pulled up the PDF of my various educational accomplishments, and handed it to him. “My problem is boredom. I’ve already paid off the debt for that education, because when I am working, I’m good at my job.”
The cop accepted the phone although he stared at me rather than investigate my qualifications. “What, exactly, is your job?”
“I’m a negotiator for corporations. When two companies want to make a deal and need a third party to help them with the negotiations, I’m called in. I go over the legalities of their deal, check for potential monopoly snags, and otherwise bring common sense to the table in a corporate landscape completely lacking in common sense. As I charge a rather horrific amount per hour, corporations prefer if they finish their negotiations quickly. I also work as an arbitrator for legal disputes between corporations and customers. I put in significant pro bono hours helping certain class action lawsuits get a good start on spanking corporations as well.”
Then, as I did have a wicked side, I smiled. “Illinois, New York, California, New Jersey, and Delaware do not debar attorneys for misdemeanors and criminal mischief. These are the states I’m currently licensed to work in. As I don’t typically make any appearances in court, and I do not advertise my status as an esquire, I get called Miss Winfield rather than Dr. Winfield, Esquire, or one of my other titles.” I eyed my phone, which the officer still held. “I’m sure I have more titles from those various degrees and pieces of paper.”
The judge snickered. “When I’d gotten your file, along with a note to kindly keep your status as an attorney under wraps, as it had no relevance to your criminal mischief, I’d gotten a good laugh out of it. Your rap sheet is a work of art. I did the research while you handled that business in the prison for me. Thank you for that, by the way. Your information was quite useful. Some of your observations illustrated some issues, which are in progress of being resolved.”
“You planted her in prison?” the cop growled.
The lycanthrope male bristled, which intrigued my virus. However, as I had my fair share of street smarts, I recognized that he viewed me as a defenseless female. Of course, most lycanthrope males tended to forget a lycanthrope female did not need some man protecting her. “I had a great time. It was a new experience, and I think that all attorneys, law enforcement, and judicial employees should do at least three weeks in the slammer to have a better and fuller understanding of the system. I learned a lot.” I leaned forward, took off my shoe, and showed off my wrapped toe. “I thought the lycanthropy virus would heal broken toes right away, but I’ve had the tape on for a week, and the swelling is just starting to go down.”
“How did you break your toe, anyway?” Judge McMurphy asked. “I saw in your file you had gotten into a dispute with several other prisoners, but there was no record on how you managed to break your toe. The bruised knuckles did not need explanation.”
“Well, when a boy likes a girl and the girl does not like the boy, things sometimes get violent. As I did not want that scum sucker’s blood anywhere near me, I decided to shove the entirety of my foot halfway down his throat. I used sufficient force that I happened to break a toe.”
“While wearing shoes?” the judge blurted.
To my amusement, both attorneys grinned.
I assumed they’d gotten access to the files and had already asked their questions about my injury, liking what they had learned.
“I sent that bastard to intensive care, Your Honor. I might not look like much, but when it’s time for a fight, I go in ready and able to do whatever it takes to win. There isn’t a need to give me a firearm. I can improvise.”
“I have every intention of making sure you’re appropriately armed, Miss Winfield,” the judge promised. “I’ve seen your qualifications. If you don’t use the gun, that is your business, but you will be going in fully armed to make sure those kittens make it home in time for the holidays.”
I could work with that. I gestured at the cop stuck with me. “What do I need him for, anyway? Isn’t he just going to get in the way?”
The angel snickered, and she waved her hand. “He has his uses, I assure you. But his badge will gain you access to places you will want to go during your mission. He is going to temper your drive with just enough common sense to make all infractions ignorable in mortal courts. You are valuable in your current job, and you do a great deal of good for people although you specialize in corporations. You remember there are humans working for these corporations, and you help secure them better work conditions in a society that does not value workers sufficiently. I cannot help you erase his innate dislike for female felines with zero regard for trivial laws, but I can remind him that there are five young lives relying on him—and on you—to bring them home. I am confident in your ability to make the most of this situation.”
My virus could work with what the angel offered. Within a month, I’d learn enough about the wolf to determine if he was worth hunting in earnest. Our viruses would spend the entire time dancing around each other.
I wondered what his virus thought about being in the presence of a divine single female feline. Soon enough, I hoped to find out. Ready and eager to get to work, I focused my attention on the pages in my hand.
No matter what, I would bring those kittens home.